Makes life rather distressing when cognition is on the absolute opposite side from feelings. Very tireing to be the constant battlefield of feelings and reason. At one moment you feel good that the other is winning. At another moment you feel bad that the other is losing. And truly, the pain is not even knowing which makes feel bad and which makes feel good and whether feeling good is actually even good or bad. And sometimes it’s not even possible to know a 100% sure of which is stronger and pushing over at any given moment or day.
So I’m a battlefield. And it’s not empty. It’s full of feelings and reasons and thoughts battling, shooting each other down, being slaughtered, slaughtering each other. Getting back up, not dying for good, but getting wounded and more aggressive as they get hurt. Crippled feelings raising their heads, shouting in pain, insulting their slaughter. Injured thoughts shooting back at their attackers, growling and snarling in anger. I’m my own worst enemy.
I am both parties. I’m my feelings and I’m my thoughts and my reason. It’s tearing me down that they are at war. I don’t even always know which one I want to win after all. It’s like there are these disney-creatures – you remember the angel and the devil battling in the pluto or donald duck cartoons? – sitting on my shoulders, shouting, fighting, both trying to make me do as they like. And changing clothes. Sometimes I’m not even sure which is which. Who’s the bad guy, who’s the good guy. And I’m there, caught in the middle, covered with the blood of the wounded.
It’s like I have this two-way mental disorder. At one moment I’m manic, at the other moment I’m depressive. At one moment I’m high and on the top of my life. At the next moment I’m crawling in mud and ready to give up and wishing I could just find a place to hide in. Feeling an utterly useless being. Who needs a person with a totally messed up life? Who needs a person whose inner self is full of cripples and potential corpses? The theme I chose for my iGoogle gives me in pretty good:
That’s me, a bare ground in the night of my life.
But maybe, just maybe, the battle will be over one day. And once the battlefield is cleared up, maybe there will be sun and a meadow with flowers blooming there again. I simply need to hang on. Tolerate the battle, a minute at a time. For the battle is me, even tho I have so little input. Or a dual input, actually. Which is as good as none, for they nullify each other.
The only thing I know for sure, is that nothing’s sure until it’s happened. Nothing is written in stone. I hope the outcome will be the best one. Only I’m not always sure what that best is. I know i should be. But honestly, I’m not. Shucks.
System Failure for the Masses 