Koiraa on karvoihin katsominen

Latu ylittää kävelytien. Isä ja nuori lapsi, jota isä selvästi opettaa hiihtämään, lähestyvät ylitystä samaan aikaan kun minä kahden koirani kanssa lähestyn kohtaa. Hiihtäjät pysähtyvät keskelle kävelytietä, tuijottelevat kaukaisuuteen. Pysähdyn koirineni muutaman metrin päähän – he pelkäävät sauvoja. Isä huomaa meidät ja ottaa suksillaan askeleen, kaksi kohti reunaa, latua, sukset vielä reippaasti yli kävelytien puolenvälin. Lapsi huomaa meidät ja hiihtää siihen isänsä viereen.
Huokaisen ja otan koirien hihnat tiukalle, ohitan hiihtäjät toista reunaa hipoen, miettien miksei isä opeta lapselleen, ettei siihen keskelle sovi jäädä kävelytietä tukkimaan. Ainiin, kun ei isä ymmärtänyt sitä itsekään.
Muistetaan huomioida muutkin liikkujat, vaikka olisikin sukset jalassa!

Kirjoitin näin Facebookin kaupunginosaryhmään ja ihan odotetusti sain niskaani kommenttiryöpyn alkaen siitä, että olisi pitänyt avata oma suuni päättyen siihen, ettei olisi ainakaan Facebookkiin kaiken kansan nähtäväksi pitänyt tällaista mennä kirjoittamaan. Ilmeisesti on liikaa odottaa, että kanssakulkijat tuolla ymmärtäisivät olla tukkimatta kulkureittejä, pysähtelemättä haaveilemaan keskelle risteyksiä.

Ai miksen sanonut mitään? No kas kun sellainen pieni juttu kuin sosiaalinen ahdistuneisuus/sosiaalisten tilanteiden pelko piti suuni kiinni (kyllä, minulla on siitä ihan diagnoosi, vaikkei sitä aina huomaakaan, sillä työrooli peittää sen alleen).

Oli kuka oli väärässä oikeassa teki hölmösti ei tehnyt hölmösti, ei sillä tässä kohdin väliä. Eräs kommentinkommentti siellä kirvoitti mieleni miettimään tätä ja monta muutakin tilannetta. “Mutta kun ne koirat pelkää sauvoja!!!” Niin, niin pelkää. Mutta tietääköhön kommentoija ollenkaan, mitä se tarkoittaa, että koira pelkää? Se tarkoittaa sitä, että se saattaa käyttäytyä agressiivisesti ja jos ohitan hiihtäjät siitä heidän suksiensa päältä, on todennäköistä, että toinen tai molemmat alkavat räkyttää tai murista ja jopa hihnoissaa syöksähdellä kohti hiihtäjiä. Ja sitten saan kuulla, että minulla on agressiiviset huonosti käyttäytyvät koirat. Juu, välillä ne ovat, erinäisistä syistä.

Jäin tätä pohtimaan ja sitä, miten paljon puhutaan nykyään koirien inhimillistämisestä. Siis siitä, että koirille annetaan ihmisten piirteitä, tunteita, jne. ja unohdetaan, että ne ovat eläimiä. Omasta kokemuksestani käsin väitän, että kovin harva koiranomistaja (niitä Fluffien omistajia lukuunottamatta) näin tekee. Se, että koira on perheenjäsen, karvavauva, jonka tunnetiloja ja käytöstä omistajat – koiravanhemmat – tulkitsevat ehkä vähän ihmismäisesti, mutta koiransa tuntien, ei vielä tee inhimillistämisestä vahingollista. Harva “koiravanhempi”, ainakaan vastuullinen sellainen, silti unohtaa koiransa olevan eläin, jolla on eläimen vaistot. Päinvastoin. Siksi koiria koulutetaan. Siksi ne kulkevat kontrolloituina.

Valtaosa huomautuksista, jotka suustani tuolla ulkona kulkiessani saan (ja nekin hetket kun EN saa), ei ole tarkoitettu suojelemaan koirieni tunteita vaan suojelemaan koiriani itseltään, ihmisiä koiriltani. Kun kehotan lasta olemaan heilumatta keppinsä kanssa koiran läheisyydessä, kun kehotan meidät takaa päin koiraa hipoen ohittanutta olemaan tekemättä niin toiste, kun pyydän hiihtäjiä siirtymään sivuun kävelytien keskeltä (tai toivon heidän itse ymmärtävän antaa tilaa), kun odotan että äidillä on lapsi hallinnassa ennen kuin ohitamme, kun pyydän Fluffyn omistajaa ohittamaan meidät, jotta mekin voimme jatkaa matkaa, se on kaikki riskien hallintaa.

Kokemukseni mukaan pahimpia koirien inhimillistäjiä ovat ne, joilla ei koiraa olekaan. Oletetaan, että koska koira elää ihmisen kanssase myös käyttäytyy kuin ihminen. Väistää nätisti tien sivuun, ei säikähdä syöksähtävää lasta, ymmärtää sellaisia asioita kuin mekastavat lapset tai heiluvat sauvat tai ihoa hipovat takaa tulevat ohittajat. Vielä pahempia ovat koirien esineellistäjät, jotka olettavat, että koiraa voi lähestyä miten vaan, koska “sehän on vaan koira”.

Aikoinaan ollessani lukioikäinen, meillä oli kaksi kania. Minun Jeri ja siskoni Jami, suunnilleen samanikäisiä poikia kumpainenkin. Ensimmäiset kuukaudet sujuivat hyvin, mutta sitten ne alkoivat tapella. Jeri oli noista kahdesta vahvempi ja terveempi, ja olisi varmaan Jamin tappanut, jos olisi saanut tilaisuuden. Kanit erotettiin. Erään kerran Jeri, joka kanssani oli ihan sylivauva, oli sylissäni, kun siskoni tuli vähän liian lähelle. Jeri yritti hyökätä, mutta onnistuikin vain tarttumaan minua poskesta. Toisen kerran sisko yritti usuttaa Jeriä huoneeseeni, jotta pääsi itse keittiöön tekemään välipalaa. Jeri puri siskon jalassa olleeseen kumisaappaaseen reiän.

Eläimet – niin koirat, kissat, kanit kuin muutkin – ovat eläimiä eläinten vaistoin. Koulutettukin koira voi purra pelästyessään tai kipua kokiessaan; eläinlääkäritkin tarjoavat kuonokoppaa, jos pitää tehdä koiralle toimenpide tämän ollessa hereillä. Ihmisten ei koskaan pidä olettaa, että koira EI voisi purra. Omistajalla on vastuu pitää koiran ympäristö sellaisena, että kimmokkeita ei tule tai ne ainakin minimoidaan, ja koira on kontrollissa. Omistajalla on vastuu suojella koiraansa ihmisiten ajattelemattomuudelta ja ihmisiä koiran vaistoon pohjautuvalta käytökseltä.

Välillä tuntuu vaan olevan liikaa vaadittu, että muut ihmiset tekisivät oman osuutensa ja esimerkiksi huolehtisivat siitä, että heidät pääsee ohittamaan, vaikka he jossain seisoskelisivatkin. Tietenkin sama koskee myös koirien kanssa kulkevia. Ainiin, ja pyäräilijät voisivat hiljentää vauhtiaan ja muistaa soittaa sitä kelloa riittävän ajoissa sen sijaan että yrittävät viuhahtaa ohi tai jarrutavat selän takana. Meinaan vaan, että koirat pitää saada kunnolla sivuun ja hallintaan – sillä vain hetki sitten ei missään ollut ketään, joten hihnat saattavat olla löysemmällä, mikä aiheuttaa taas yhden vaaratilanteen.

Niin sitä minä vaan, että kun sanon koireini pelkäävän sauvoja, en inhimillistä koiraani. Sen sijaan se, joka vähättelee tuota lauselmaa, tekee niin ajatellessaan sen olevan sama kuin että pieni lapsi pelkää sauvoja. Ei se siis kovin vakavaa voi olla, koiran omistaja siinä taas lässyttää, voi hellantuuteli sentään.

Sitä minä vaan, jotta jos me kaikki vaivauduttaisiin vähän enemmän katsomaan asioita myös muiden silmin, olisi kaikkien helpompi kulkea. Kun näet minun vetävän koirani hihnan tiukalle, älä anna omasi lähestyä. Minäkin osaltani huolehdin siitä, että sinulla on riittävästi tilaa ohittaa ja toivon samaa sinulta, oli sinulla koiria mukanasi tai ei.

Lapsuus/Childhood – Q&A

Tämä on taas näitä Facebookin kysymyspattereita. Ja koska minusta on hauska näihin vastata, vastaan. Ja vein tietenkin tämänkin askeleen pitemmälle, kuvin.

**This is one of those Facebook Q&A thingys, and because I find them fun, I answer. And of course I had to take this one step further and add pics.

1. Missä synnyit?
**Where were you born?

– Naistenklinikalla Helsingissä.
**In Helsinki, at Naistenklinikka

2. Onko sinulla sisaruksia?
**Do you have siblings?

– 6v nuorempi pikkusisko
**a sister, 6 years my junior

Ihmettelen siinä vastasyntynyttä siskoani – Looking at my newborn sister with bewilderment

3. Olitko päivähoidossa?
**Were you in daycare

– En, mutsi teki freelancerina töitä himassa
**No, my mom worked as a freelancer from home

4. Oliko teillä lemmikkejä?
**Did you have pets

– Yhteensä kolme kania; yksi kun olin ala-astella, kaksi ollessani lukiossa
**3 bunnies altogether; one when I was in elementary school, 2 when I was in highschool

5. Muistatko aikaa, kun ei vielä ollut lapsilla turvaistuimia?
**Do you still remeber a time before kiddie seats in cars?

– Toki, minua nukutettiin auton takapenkillä skidinä, kun olin huono nukahtamaan sänkyyn. Takapenkillä ei tainnut siinä Minissä olla edes turvavöitä.
**Sure, I was not good at falling asleep and my parents used to put me on the backseat of the car, lying there under a blanket. I don’t think that Mini even had seatbelts in the back

6. Oliko sinulla mielilelua?
**Did you have a favorite toy

– Jose-koira, ehkä. Jose kävi jopa eläinlääkärissä, missä ell Ilves tutki myös Josen tutkittuaan ensin isoäidin koiran Dellan. Tai ehkä nukke nimeltä Jerry, jolle isoäiti ompeli samanlaisia asuja kuin minulle. Tai ehkä nalle tai apina tai mutsin tekemä kummajainen, kuka enää tietää 🤷‍♀️
**A dog called Jose, maybe. Jose even went to the vet where the Vet Ilves examined Jose after first examining my grandma’s dog Della. Or maybe a doll called Jerry, for whom my grandma made similar outfits as for me. Or maybe the teddy or monkey or this oddity made by my mom, who knows anymore 🤷‍♀️

7. Muistatko mitä sinusta piti tulla isona?
**Do you remeber what you were supposed to be when you grew up?

– Aika pitkään meinasin että lääkäri. Siinä teini-iän kynnyksellä haaveena oli eläintenhoitaja-tanssija-näyttelijä-kirjailija-kombo 🤷‍♀️
**For a long time I wanted to be a doctor. Then at pre-teen or so I dreamed of becoming a combo of animal carer-dancer-actress-athor

8. Olitko ns. näkymätön kiltti lapsi vai jokapaikan apina?
**Were you a so called good invisible child or a rambunctious monkey?

– Sekä että. Jokapaikan apina, joka oppi jo nuorena vetämään ylleen kiltin tytön kaavun
**Both. A rambunctious monkey who learned early on to pull on the good girl cape

9. Kuljitko pihalla kotiavain kaulassa roikkuen?
**Did you have a key hanging from your neck when playing outside?

– En, mutsi oli himassa kunnes olin 9 ja siinä vaiheessa avain oli taskussa kasarityyliin vaaleanpunaisella kierreketjulla vai mikä se oli
**No, mom was at home until I was 9, and at that point my keys were in my pocket attached to a pink eighties style twirly phone chain or whatsitcalled

Spiraaliavaimenperiä – Spiral keychains

11. Lempilastenohjelmasi?
**Your favorite kids’ TV show?

– Pätkis eli Smurffit
**Pätkis, i.e. The Smurfs

Smurffit – The Smurfs

12. Muistatko ensimmäistä koulupäivääsi?
**Do you remeber your first day in school

– Jep. Valitettavasti. Olin potenut kipeää mahaa (jännityksestä) niin että aloitin koulun varsinaisesti pari päivää myöhässä, kesken koulupäivän. Olin siis outolintu alusta saakka.
**Yup. Unfortunately. I had been sick with a stomach ache (from anxiety) so I actually started school a couple days late, in the middle of the day. I was an oddball fron the very beginning.

Ensimmäisenä koulupäivänä – First day of school

13. Keräilitkö jotain?
**Did you collect something?

– Kiiltokuvia, pyyhekumeja (kasari…), tarroja
**Kiiltokuvas (the best translation I found was “die cut scrap”, but can’t very well imagine any kids using that; anyhow, definition: glossy and usually embossed little pictures, kinda like pre-stickers, that usually came in a sheet, and girls collected them in their scrap books), erasers (oh, the eighties…), stickers

Kiiltokuva-arkki – A sheet of kiiltokuvat

14. Mikä oli lempiaineesi alaluokilla?
**What was your favorite subject in elementary school?

– Oliko mulla lempiainetta? Lukutunneista tykkäsin, ja kuviksesta varmaan.
**Did I have one? I liked reading and art classes, I suppose.

15. Olitko koulukiusaaja?
**Were you a bully

– En. Olin se kiusattu
**No. I was the one bullied

16. Harrastitko jotain? Mitä?
**Did you have hobbies? What?

– Kuuden vanhana yleisurheilua VU:n väreissä, partiota ala-asteen ajan, about. Pianoa soitin pari vuotta. Lukemista, kirja tai pari päivässä parhaina aikoina.
**At six years old I was part of the VU track and field team for a year or so. I was a girl scout for a few years while in elementary school. I played piano for a coupole years. I read books, lots of books. A book or two a day at best.

17. Ystäväsi
**Your friends

Aina niitä jokunen oli, kirjekavereita enemmän kuin livekavereita
**I always had some. More pen pals that IRL friends

18. Mieluisin muistosi jostain ensiluokkien tapahtumasta?
**Your favorite memory of something during the first school years

– Ensi-pusu: ekaluokkalaisena ihastukseni asui samassa talossa ja leikittiin usein pihalla yhdessä. Erään kerran leikittiin tuijotusta ja ihastukseni pussasi minua saadakseen minut nauramaan. Onnistuikin.
**First kiss: when we were on first grade my crush lived in the same appartment building as me and we often played together in the yard. Once we were playing stare and he gave me a smooch to make me laugh. And succeeded.

19. Minkälainen oli ensimmäinen opettajasi?
**What was your first teacher like?

– Tiukka nunna, varmaan liki kuusikymppinen. En tykännyt
**A strict nun, probably almost sixty years old. I didn’t like her.

20. Oliko vanhemmillasi tiukka kuri?
**Were your parents strict?

– Oli. Siksi kiltin tytön kaapu.
**Yes. That’s the reason for the good girl cape

21. Miten perheesi lomaili?
**How did your family spend vacations?

– Enimmäkseen isovanhempieni mökeillä (järvenrannalla toinen, Nauvossa saaressa toinen)
**Mostly at my grandparents’ summer places (one by a lake, one in an island at sea)

22. Lempiruokaasi natiaisena oli?
**What was your favorite food as a kiddo?

– Siskonmakkarakeitto
**Sausage soup

23. Tupakoitiinko teillä vielä sisätiloissa?
**Did your parents smoke indoors?

– Jep, mutsi poltti töitä tehdessään kun olin skidi, mutta lopetti ollesani varmaan neljän vanha
**Yeah, mom was smoking indoors while working when I was small, but stopped entirely when I was maybe four years old

9y ANniversary

Yep, it’s been 9 years since that fucker was removed from my head, mostly. I had my most recent MRI checkup a year ago, and the remnants were stable, the same as they’d been ever since the first MRI after the surgery. It think the dr said we can have the next MRI in 5 years, then even 10 if everything looks good (and no new symptoms appear).

Last year I listed in my FB post (and my Healing Diary page) the things that define my new normal, as in, what it is for me to be an AN warrior, in a nutshell:

  • My right ear compensates the deafness of the left one rather nicely, but I still don’t usually have any clue as to the origin or direction of sounds.
  • Tinnitus is a life-long companion, but I’ve learned to live with it.
  • Balance is sort of ok, but I do side-step A LOT.- I get tired easily, especially if I need to concentrate on balance or hearing.
  • Headaches, check.
  • Fuzzy brain symptoms, mainly some amount of dyslexia, forgetting simple words, being confoozled at times, all the while having the sharp problem solving mind I’ve always had. Sort of a conundrum.
  • Sensory overload – when it happens it’s instant and nearly causes a panic attack and I just need to get away.

Let’s visit these in a bit more detail, or put more meat on the bones, as we say in Finnish.

Hearing – SSD

“My right ear compensates the deafness of the left one rather nicely, but I still don’t usually have any clue as to the origin or direction of sounds.”

There are moments when I hear things my husband doesn’t, because my right ear hears perfectly given the chance (ie. little or no background noise), while my husband has some high frequency hearing loss in both ears. Then there are moments when I try to understand what he means when he says that the weather won’t get freezing again until “up cider”.

Quite often my brain figures out what was said, but it takes a few seconds to register properly. I ask “what” but then reply accordingly even before he has a chance to repeat, but I think that’s more related to my ADHD than SSD. But then there’s the cases where words get jumbled on their way to my ear, due to wind, rain, faucet, dog barking, too much distance, whatever. I hear something totally strange and cannot figure out what was said for real.

Up cider == next Friday 🤦‍♀️

Things that are impossible for me:

  • Making out words spoken (or shouted) from the other room (doors closed in between)
  • Making out anything while working in the kitchen for there’s always something: water running, dishwasher running, fan blasting, stuff sizzling in a pan…
  • Finding the source of a sound, e.g. where my phone or airpods are when trying to ping-locate them
  • Understanding where a person is, when they answer “Here!” to my question of where they are
  • Hearing 99% of people talking on my wrong side, ie. left side, because usually people talk VERY quietly around here
  • Being able to hold a conversation in a noisy environment with a group of people; I can pick out words or sentences here and there and participate sporadically
  • Talking on the phone while dogs are barking
  • Using computer audio in meetings – the quality is so poor that I lose syllables

Tinnitus

“Tinnitus is a life-long companion, but I’ve learned to live with it.”

There’s the high-pitch A. And a less aubible mid E. And then the low hum. Sometimes I hear music. Sometimes it’s instrumental, sometimes there’s also “vocals”. It’s like hearing lyrics in a foreign language; you know they’re words but they make no sense. Sometimes I think I hear an airplane, but then it doesn’t pass. Sometimes I think a helicopter is hovering above our house, except that there’s no helicopter.

It’s often difficult for me to understand if a sound is in my head or actually outside my head. I try to block my good ear, but then THAT causes a humming noise that further blocks everything else; so not helpful at all.

At home, in relative silence, the tinnitus is ok and I mostly forget about it. In noisy environments it can get so loud it alone causes a sensory overload and I need to flee. If I can’t get away immediately, I try closing my eyes, to block at least the visual input, and block my hearing ear to muffle the sounds, but in the end, I really just need to go. To the toilet, if no other option is available, but preferably outside, away from it all. And ultimately back home to my peaceful refuge.

The only thing that really covers the tinnitus, is blasting music on full volume to my good ear with my airpod. Even my brain can’t compete with that, for some reason.

Balance

“Balance is sort of ok, but I do side-step A LOT.- I get tired easily, especially if I need to concentrate on balance or hearing.”

I went out to eat with my youngest kid (a couple months shy of 20yo) the other day. We met at Forum, this shopping mall in the center of Helsinki, and decided to walk a kilometer or so in the slush (remember, it won’t freeze again until up cider, and it’s been raining water and sleet for over a week and the streets were a goddamn mess) to a kebab joint because daughter really wanted a good kebab.

She grabbed my arm as we were walking, telling me she didn’t want me to fall down. I was a bit offended, told her I’m not about to fall down, I can walk perfectly well on my own, thank you very much! She told me that she’s not taking any risks after I allegedly stumbled several times on curbs and kept sidestepping constantly. “It’s a bit difficult in this slush, but I’m fine!” I argued. “You were walking sideways even in Forum, on solid floors,” she retorted and held on. And I let her, if only because it felt nice.

Yes, I do sidestep all. The. Time. I couldn’t walk a straight line if my life depended on it. Trust me, I’ve tried. Basically every time I walk alone to our front door, down our little walkway built of bricks, I TRY. I try to walk a straight line along the bricks, but every time I fail after a few steps. And walking the dogs I need to wear shoes that allow me to occasionally step into the mossy forest, because it’s impossible for me to stay on a narrow path.

Climbing on ladders while doing renovation stuff at home? Dangerous. At least after a few hours when I’m tired. And I really do tire of anything physical in only a few hours time. Most likely because I need to constantly focus on keeping my balance while working in spaces and places and holding tools still etc.

Headaches

“Headaches, check”

These actually come and go. I guess a year ago I had a worse headache time going on, which probably was one of the reasons I got my MRI checkup a bit early (I remember asking for it instead of waiting until later in the spring when it was due anyway). Sometimes I have daily headaches for weeks and months on end, sometimes nothing for even longer. Right now I’m quite happily headache free.

Anomic aphasia

“Fuzzy brain symptoms, mainly some amount of dyslexia, forgetting simple words, being confoozled at times, all the while having the sharp problem solving mind I’ve always had. Sort of a conundrum.”

This seems to be getting worse by and by. And it’s not actually dyslexia but most probably anomic apahasia.

I am verbally talented, I have always been verbally talented, having a vast vocabulary in my two main languages (Finnish and English) since a young age (earning me comments about how I’m so precocious) and picking up new languages easily. Now I can barely speak either of those two languages properly anymore. I’ve long called myself semi-lingual (or, the better version I saw a while ago somewhere: bye-lingual), because I keep forgetting words in BOTH languages equally.

At some point I thought it was due to my home language changing to English and Finnish becoming sort of the secondary language in my life (though, ok, work language and also spoken with my kids), when I moved together with my now husband in 2012. But more probably my lingual decline has to do with the AN and/or the surgery. My husband often files my speech problems away as “English not being my native language” (though I’ve spoken it since I was 5 years old; it was my school language). What he doesn’t see (hear) is that I encounter the same problems in Finnish. So yes, it’s a systemic issue, not related to one language or the other.

It’s difficult for me to really pinpoint when this issue started, so I’m not sure if it was already due to having that tumor bugger in my head or if it was caused by the surgery. Hell, it could even STILL be caused by the tumor remnants in my head, for all I know.

All I know is that the issue is gradually getting worse. Usually aphasia caused by surgery is temporary and subsides within months or a year or so. But sometimes it persists. It’s rare-ish, but that specific type of aphasia called anomic aphasia, and the symptoms fit me like a glove:

Anomic aphasia is a mild form of aphasia in which the individual has difficulty with word-finding, or naming items.
In anomic aphasia, speech is typically fluent and produced with seeming ease. However, the individual might have trouble retrieving specific words, especially nouns and verbs.

A person with anomic aphasia will typically speak in complete, grammatically correct sentences. However, they might use vague words like “thing” or describe an item that they cannot name. For instance, someone who cannot think of the word “apple” might say, “I ate a red, round fruit for lunch.” Speech therapists can work with people with anomic aphasia on tasks to improve their naming and word-finding

CHARACTERISTICS OF ANOMIC APHASIA
People with anomic aphasia usually have good comprehension; they can understand spoken messages
They usually are able to read
They might have the same difficulty with word retrieval when writing as they do when speaking
People with anomic aphasia are often able to successfully communicate using strategies to work around their word-finding difficulties
People with anomic aphasia are sometimes able to produce the word when given a cue, like the first letter of the word

From https://www.aphasia.com/aphasia…/aphasia-types/anomic/

It’s annoying as it has started to affect my ability to work. I work with customers a lot and sometimes, especially when I get tired after a tirade of meetings, my ability to form sentences and say what I’m trying to say gets real bad, and I feel a bit embarrassed about it. My speech comes out haltingly as I struggle to find the correct words and often times I need to figure out alternative constructions instead as the intended word simply does not emerge.

It’s easier when writing because I can stop to fumble around in my mind and if I come up with the word in the wrong language I can google translate it. It’s more difficult when talking, when it should flow and I would need to appear a competent expert and then I can’t even get the simplest words correct on occasion.

Sensory overload

“Sensory overload – when it happens it’s instant and nearly causes a panic attack and I just need to get away.”

Sensory overload doesn’t actually require a loud environment like a party or something. It can happen just because too many thing happen at once. Like husband comes through the door, dogs bark and rush to the door, my phone rings (read: buzzes on my wrist) and husband tries to hand me a bag of groceries.

Or we’re out for a walk with the dogs, husband chatters about something, a car goes by, and the dog I’m walking keeps pulling this way and that, requiring my attention.

Or we’re sitting at the table, husband is talking and *something* in my clothes is bothering me. A dog hair that’s weasled its way into my shirt, a sock that is crooked, the remnants of a label I cut out but now has a loose string.

It may actually have more to do with my neurodivergence and HSP (high sensitivity) than AN, but being single sidedly deaf and having defective balance sure don’t make things easier.

As I wrote about noisy environments, even with these smaller cases I really need to get away or reduce at least some of the input. Like get husband to stop talking for a while, fix my clothes, manage the barking, just get to a place with less sensory input. Sometimes it’s close to a panic attack, sometimes I’m simply really irritable and might snap at my husband – can’t you just shut up for a while! Can’t you see my shirt has a little pinprick somewhere causing me constant irritation!

Be as it may, I can’t stay in the situation, it needs resolving one way or the other.

So ok, life’s not easy and some day I’ll die. But life is ok, even more than just ok. Despite.

Just a bit of annual stats

I used to be active in my blogging, but not so much anymore. I write the occasional post here in SFFM, sometimes some recipes in From Kitchen, with Love. I post photos in Instagram, but not daily, and really am no influencer 😉 Still, the stats are kinda cool at the end of the year, so let’s have a look.

SFFM

I wrote all of 5 posts this year (I suppose this would be number 6 then), with a total of 8312 words in them. What would that make? Like 1662 words per post in average. That’s like an average high school essay there. No WordPress likes, no comments. Not that I expect any; they’re usually spam anyway 😂 I seem to have 10 followers, though.

However little I posted this year, there’s plenty of content in my blog, 1302 post spanning over almost two decades (starting with the stuff that was in Live Spaces looong ago), so there’s always more views than the just the new posts would bring, this year a total of 915 views by 625 visitors.

Disregarding the home page views (333), my six most popular posts this year were:

Of the pages, The Healing Diary had 25 views, and The Quote Collection 16 views (most my own probably 😂).

It’s a pity search terms aren’t available anymore; I always had such a ball looking at what searches brought people to my blog!

From Kitchen, with Love

This food blog of mine has way less posts, all of 308, 5 of which were posted this year. The views, however were a bit more than SFFM: 11200.

Top 5 posts all had over 100 views this year, and out of the top 10, only numbers 9 and 10 had less views than the top post of SFFM. And I don’t think I’ve checked out any of these top 10 posts this year myself. Oh, maybe that feta spinach pie. Possibly. At least I made on earlier in the autumn.

Flickr

Hunh. Flicker still doesn’t really offer any yearly stats. There’s all time (Pro since 2008) and then there’s the most recent month.

All time. I have 13274 photos in Flickr altogether. So I guess an average year would see about 885 photos uploaded. That is approximately 8% of photos I take during a year. I think. At least used to be.
Past month. In the amount of photos you can see that I uploaded a bunch (since July) only yesterday.

My most viewed photos of all time:

Somehow those leather jackets and boots keep on keeping on in the top, still gaining new views. And I can’t help thinking that people who looked at my pussy willow photos were actually looking for pussy pics (yes, those exist in Flickr too).

Instagram

I shared 213 photos in @sannamarilka, and got a total of 1498 likes. Here’s the top 9 photos of the year:

In the dogstagram, @hdd_doggos, I shared 193 photos and got 658 likes all in all. Top 9 of the doggos 2022:

2022 wrap-up

The year is almost over, time for the annual wrap-up. Books, music, pictures, tattoos, and highlights.

Books

Starting with books. Muches of booksies.

  • I read 82 books, a total of 31 185 pages
  • I DNF’d (Did Not Finish) 3 books, which means that the page count there is lacking a bit, but not too much
    Liam UiCearbhaill: Mother Rainbow’s Children: The Cave – I just could not with the way they spoke Yoda and recited tales like robots; made it maybe up to 10%
    William Joseph Roberts: The Flux Runners – A cool idea of a book, but jumpy and scattered. I read maybe 20%, skipped and skimmed another 25% and finally gave up completely
    Jordan J. Scavone: Night Warrior – Clumsy in the way that reminds you of the importance of editors. I read maybe 20% but simply could not go on.
  • As the new year approaches, I am currently reading 2 books that I don’t expect to finish before New Year’s Day
    James Patterson: 22 Seconds (Women’s Murder Club #22) in Kindle
    Sophie Anderson: The House with Chicken Legs in paperback
  • The shortest book of the year was a kids’ book by Astrid Lindgren: Lotta, Janne ja Minnamanna
  • The longest book was a re-read, one of my alltime favorites, that I have read probably a dozen times already: The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
  • The oddest book I read this year was The Winterset Hollow by Jonathan Edward Durham; it was a total wait, what?! Not bad, rather excellent in ways, but, well, disturbing
  • My most read author of this year (too) was TJ Klune. I read a total of 11 wonderful books of his in three series:
    Tales from Verania
    The Extraordinaries
    Bear, Otter, and the Kid
  • Even though I mostly read fiction (and mostly fantasy at that), I also love (auto)bios and such, and read 11 of those this year:
    – Neil Peart: Traveling Music
    – Kersti Juva: Tolkienin tulkkina
    – Martha Teichner: When Harry Met Minnie
    – Johannes Lahtela: Samuli – pimeydestä valoon
    – Dave Mustaine: Mustaine – A Life in Metal
    – Virginia Hanlon Grohl: From Cradle to Stage
    – Betty White: If You Ask Me (and of course you won’t)
    – Michael J. Fox: No Time Like the Future
    – Madly, Deeply – The Diaries of Alan Rickman
    – Alvin Yudkoff: Gene Kelly – A Life of Dance and Dreams
    – Matthew Perry: Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing
  • Even though I read mostly in English, this year I read a total of 18 books in Finnish, 4 of which were translations, rest of them Finnish lit. No, not gonna list all of them here separately

My Goodreads Year in Books looks like this:

Music

Nothing surprising in music. No new discoveries, though one new album by Muse (Will of the People). I actually listened to a lot of All Of [artist] lists, album by album, earning me the title The Fanclubber by Spotify. This year the top 5 artists list consisted of Rush, Foo Fighters, Muse, Bon Jovi, and Seether. Partly this list is just due to Spotify algorithms (sic!), as I loop through my Liked Songs list with shuffle, when not listening to a specific album list.

Tattoos

Once again, I also got a few new tattoos during the year:

  • Flames on the side of the left calf, to accompany my Phoenix
  • Vines on the right wrist, continuing from the old ones, and twisting aroujnnd the wrist
  • Sun on the right hand
  • Love She Wrote – a quill drawing a heart on the left hand
  • Ravistettava Ennen Käyttöä – “shake before using” the title of an Apulanta song, theme song of my life
En usko että saa yleistä hyväksyntää
Näkemykseni kieroon kasvaneet
Voidaanko määritellä rajaa sellaista
Kun hassusta tulee pelottavaa

Ei saisi ajatella näin, näin, näin
Mut se ei oo ainoo mitä teet väärin

Minussa on ongelma
Jokin virhe ohjelmoinnissa
Puutteita koodissa
Korvaan arvaamattomuudella
Tuntuu että tekijät unohti otsaan kirjoittaa
Ravistettava ennen käyttöä
I don’t think I’ll ever be commonly accepted
My views all grown askew
Can one determine such a line
When funny becomes scary

You shouldn’t think this way, way, way
But that’s not the only thing that you’re doing wrong

There’s a problem in me
Some sort of bug in the programming
The lackings of my code
I substitute with unpredictability
Feels like my creators forgot to write on my forehead
Shake before using
Apulanta: Ravistettava ennen käyttöä

Pictures & highlights, month by month

Sometimes I took more pictures, sometimes less. So, a pic for each month, and the highlights with them.

January: We visited the Strömfors foundry and Valkmusa national park on a rather cold day. There was lots of snow.

February: We stayed in a cabin in Nurmes for a week, visiting Koli one foggy day. Lots and lots of snow! H started in a new job. At the end of the month we spent a weekend in Barösund where H made a drum.

March: I guess the highlight of the month was Ace turning 2y old.

April: Nothing special went on in April, either, but Meggie turned 10yo and the youngest kid 19.

May: Spring got finally into full speed. We got a Panasonic Lumix S5 and went out taking photos with that and my few years old Canon PowerShot SX70, e.g visiting the Cherry Tree Park, Lauttasaari, and Häme Castle. Timmy turned 10yo. Our bathroom renovation started.

June: We spent a hot sunny day in Suomenlinna (Viapori Castle) and visited our summer place for Juhannus (Midsummer’s) Day. I turned 47yo. Old.

July: I was on vacation, H was not. Our bathroom renovation was going on all summer long, so we didn’t go anywhere. I watched movies and read books. Once H and I went out to eat at Restaurant Töölönranta for a “date night” to use a gift card I’d won in an FB lottery.

August: I visited Tallinn with a bunch of friends (the 20y anniversary for our group of moms).

September: FINALLY, our bathroom was ready (except not sauna). H and I went out to have dinner at Farouge one Friday evening and they actually had belly dancers there 👌 H turned 56yo, oldest one 22, middle kid 21. Lots of birthdays in September for us.

October: Bath. I really enjoyed having a bathtub. WE really enjoyed having a bathtub.

November: Lots of snow already in November. We visited Inkoo for a day, had some coffee and tea in the harbor coffee shop, and walked around the old manor area. I flew to Oslo, Norway, for a couple days’ business trip.

December: I was sick most of December, on antibiotics with a sinus infection at Christmas time, but our offspring came on day before Christmas Eve (midlle kid and oldest one) and Christmas Day (oldest and youngest ones, and the latter’s boyfriend) for some Christmas celebrations and food 💕

Wrap-up

All in all, 2022 really wasn’t too bad of a year, despite being pronounced 2020 too. Corona is still raging, but has lost most of its force and mostly can be treated as its cousins, the regular colds. Last bits of regulations were canceled in the spring and life is relatively normal. Most people who can, have stayed to work at home, and I hope companies won’t start trying to change that just because.

I fully expect 2023 to be good year, too. I don’t think I have any real reason to think differently, although life does have this annoying tendency to throw shit in your face when you least expect it.

…anyway 😉