They’re here, just as I knew they’d be. The hader days. They’ve been creeping up for some time, but mostly have been overcome by the better and fairly good and even nearly perfect days. But looming somewhere in the background, they have slowly made their way to the foreground, for whatever single thing or sum of all giving them room to pop out front.

 

And so I feel like I’m falling thru space again, not getting a grip of anything. Only the space is not as dark and crude this time. More like a space filled with blinking lights everywhere around. It’s making me rather unstable these days. I may be perfectly happy and relaxed at one moment, then in the blink of an eye I become all snappy and impatient for no good reason. At least no apparent good reason. My happiness is as thin and fragile as a single hair or straw. Breaking it is like cracking thin ice with a stick. Very easy.

 

Take yesterday, for instance. I sat at my laptop typing off about how nice and even therapeutic it was to be on vacation, to relax and do stuff with the kids, without any obligations and schedules, deliberately not wearing a watch. Preparing myself for another leisurely day with my daughters, going to this indoor adventure park Huimala (since it was a cool rainy day and thus outdoor activities were out of the question) and then to our house to do some more IV-work.

 

But as it turned out, simply the fact that we needed to take the car to Huimala made me cranky. I’d come to love being car-free for the time being – not because I don’t have one, I do, but because it represents hurry and obligations to me. And so, as I held the car keys in my hands, assembled myself behind the wheel and started the engine, I felt a crossness crawling up.

 

And then my cellphone decided to ring as we were still on our way. It was my husband, asking for a favor involving a computer and emailing an attachment, but since I was in the car and not at my computer I obviously couldn’t help him out (besides, the attachment-thing would’ve made it impossible for me to do the task anyway since this darn dial-up connection is inable to even sync my email, let alone send some excel worksheet thru the lines).

 

And then he couldn’t comprehend the name of the place I told him we were heading to, the place with  a poor map and directions printed in it’s brochure, so I was actually making wild guesses at how to get to the place at the same moment as I was barking to the phone that it was HHHuimala, not UUUimala, and getting real agitated over all this.

 

So I felt the anger rising again and smoke coming thru my ears. Out with the happy me, in with the snappy one my significant people have come to know fairly well during the past months 😦 So I was all sparks and flames, impatient and cross again. Angry for now real reason. I wasn’t really angry at my husband, nor my kids. Not even at Huimala and it’s brochure, really.

 

I’ve figured that I’m angry at myself most of the time. Angry at all the paradoxes and contradictions, at all the feelings of despair and distress, at my inability to be fully happy with my life and it’s conditions. Angry at myself and what I’ve made of it all. And when I’m angry, I do things that I then am sorry to have done, making me even more angry with myself. It’s a vicious circle.

 

And frankly, it’s not easy to live with that, being constantly angry at yourself. But what can I do? Hope for a better tomorrow. Wait for time to sort out everything. I mean, this – referring to all that’s going on on every level – IS a temporary period in my life after all, right? It’s just that my status quo has been cracking for a year now and I can’t seem to cope with that too well.

 

And my status quo will return, won’t it? Until then, I guess I’ll just crack and pop every now and then. Maybe the result will be finer pop corn when all the popping is done.

 

[Despite all, I did have a fairly nice time at Huimala with my kiddos, and I did do some IV-piping too, but had a bad day with it, what with the IV-tape getting all tangled up all the time and the non-co-operative pipes, and I kept mis-measuring things. But I went to sleep feeling much better, tho. Simply letting my husband hold me does a lot to calm me down. If only I wouldn’t keep forgetting that, as it’s in my nature to push everyone away when I’m feeling bad.

 

Certainly I’m not an easy person to live with, so a cheery-o to my husband for putting up with me. But neither are my kids, nor my husband for that matter, so a cheery-o to me for putting up with them with even a decent amount of sanity left 😛 ]