My whole life, me included, seems to be a great big ball of opposites and paradoxes. Not even dilemmas, for I don’t take them as solvable problematic things. Paradoxes, things that should negate each other but for some queer reason choose to co-exist in me and in my life. Opposites, things that should tear everything apart but for some unknown reason choose to fullfill each other.

 

My kids are the very opposites of each other in practically everything – except when the smaller one decides to take after the bigger one in some usually unwanted behaviour, but even that gets old before long and so they are back to being the ultimate antipoles of each other. One loves to be a princess, the other one is rather a spider. One likes to play outside, the other one would rather loll inside. One would wash her hair twice every day if I let her, the other one needs to be blackmailed into washing it even once a week. One forgets to change clothes even once during a week at camp, the other one changes clothes 5 times a day, necessary or not. And so on.

 

Me and my husband have a lot in common – I don’t think we would’ve got so far if we didn’t – but in the core, we are total opposites. I’m meticulpous in small stuff like the angle of a picture frame on a shelf (tho that has eased a bit by way of the kids messing everything up), he couldn’t care less if the picture eves is there or not. He’s meticulous in everything else, the book example of an engineer, measuring and planning everything to the smallest fraction of a dot. Reading every manual from cover to cover before even touching the actual apparatus. Comparing and researching everything thoroughly before making any kind of decision about anything.

 

And me then? The perfect opposite, of course. Our first dishwasher had nearly gone thru it’s first round before my husband had finished reading it’s manual – I simply put it on. That’s the way I am. I go by my instincts, pretty spontaneously, doing what seems and feels right at the spurr of the moment. Sometimes I get trouble out of that, but most of times things work out fine that way. Like e.g. our locks. Husband couldn’t get them to function properly, for he followed the manual precicely. I got them to function, because I thought out of the box, used my intuition and dumped the manual. And yes, they are properly set.

 

In addition to me being the opposite of my husband, I’m most of the time also the opposite of myself. My whole character is a big antithesis. I like to be alone, but I like to be surrounded by people. I’m nice but I’m snappy. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I’m fine but I’m not okay. I’m complaining but satisfied. I’m lost but I’m hopeful. I care but I’m restless, I’m here but I’m really gone. I’m a woman but I’m a tomboy. There isn’t one feature in me that isn’t nulled by it’s opposite. Sometimes they proceed each other, sometimes they co-exist.

 

And that brings us into the paradoxes. I love and hate the same things at the same time. I say one thing and mean the other. I want somthing that nulls the other. But I act by the other thing while it nulls what I want. And I want things that negate each other and in the end I don’t even know what I act on or not. I hate, I love, I want, I don’t want, I’m happy, I’m unhappy, I’m this, I’m that. It’s a mystery I even function right 😉 Maybe I don’t, I mean it could be argued, after all.

 

Me and my whole life are like the weather out there at this very moment: sun is shining on one edge of the clouds while thunder is growling thru the clouds. My sister featured me pretty accurately in that irc-gallery-meme, when answering what kind of weather I would be: varying, raining on the other side of the house and sunny on the other. Yup, she’s got me right, allright.