I’m sort of functioning again. Life is sort of winning. It’s funny tho, how that makes me feel like I’m not feeling at all. A little numb. Makes me wonder if I’m working on the issues at all. If it’s over, perhaps. But it’s good to function again. Good to be able to laugh again. Right? I can’t go on crying all the time, can I? Life goes on and I go on with it. My life is not over, even tho it sometimes feels like it. Yes, the moments of utter pain come, and go. Leaving me with a gloomy underflow while my subconcious is at work. But also leaving me able to enjoy moments and do the normal stuff.

 

Normal stuff like go shopping for a dress to wear at a wedding that’s coming up in June. Believe me, it’s not an easy task even in the spring, when shops are full of dresses! I might be picky or something, but nothing really looks nice to me. I have an issue with colors – somewhere on the way I’ve become all black and grey. I have an issue with flowers and weird seveties-type figures. I have an issue with stripes and polka dots. I want something in one color only – but what color? Can’t wear black to a wedding can I? I want something beautiful but not too fancy. Simple but nice.

 

I found a couple such dresses after all. But then I took a look at the price tag. And my hair went up. I mean, I’m not paying like 200euros for a dress, when there’s no guarantee that I’ll ever wear it again, even! And, well, at the moment, I wouldn’t pay 200euros for just about anything. Anything that’s not for our house.

 

Then, finally I found a nice dress for only 50e. But, yeah, but. There wasn’t one in my size! The sizes ended in 36, when I needed a 34. Since when? Well, since I last went shopping for a dress, apparently. That was a month or so ago, when I bought that black one. A 36 that was a tad tight under my armpits. But not anymore, I noticed, as I wore it in that party on the weekend. This is taking a toll on me. But I’m NOT buying too big clothes no matter what. I’ll keep myself slim now that I finally am slim. I like it. Anyway, it’s much more fun to complain about too big clothes and not finding small enough clothes in shops than the other way round 😀

 

So, I found no dress yesterday. But I did buy a headset – finally, after listening to my mom and a couple friends nag about my headsetlessness for, like, months. Actually, I did discover that I have a built in mic in my laptop, so skyping would have been possible all along anyhow. But now I have a headset. Yey.

 

After my unsuccessfull dress-shopping and successfull headset-shopping, I became a hobbit for a while. I think I’ve mentioned just a couple 😉 times before how much I love my dance classes. Again yesterday, it so totally made me forget there was any trouble in my world, made me feel great and alive and happy. Hopping and bouncing as a hobbit to Värttinä’s fantastic music from the Lord of the Rings musical. Absolute fun! I love it!

 

Life might be hard and maybe it takes a while before you die even. But it’s good to notice that I’m getting a grip on mine again. The process might be long. But at least I’m not a living dead while it lasts. And what’s so consoling, I’m not the only one going thru difficult things like this. People survive. I survive. One way or another. I only hope I can stick to the right way.