I went to my dance class yesterday, hoping to be cheered up again. And I was, for a while, anyway. It was a great class again, physically very tough as we kept hopping and bouncing to afro rhythms for a good 45 minutes and I was pretty sure that would kill me 😀 At least I would’ve died happy dancing. But no, it didn’t 😉 My body can handle tough rather well and it feels actually great to keep going even when it feels like you’re gonna drop any second now.

 

No, it was more the dance we did after the hopping and bouncing. It was that beautiful walze (by Värttinä) from the musical Lord of the Rings. It was gentle and nice, melancholy  but happy. Full of feeling, full of life. That’s what seemed to kill me. Physical fatigue is nothing compared to that of your soul and mind. When the feelings flow, when the sensations take over. It’s like getting strangled and suffocated. My inside hurts much more than my muscles.

 

Oh, we did do the hobbit thing at the end too. And that is always fun. But that walze had already opened some drawer inside me, that had been struggling to be kept closed. One of those drawers, that make my daily life so hard, whether I fight to keep them closed or let them open. Only I can’t function if I let them all hang open, so I need to lock them up. And that’s painful! I’m not good at fully conseiling my feelings, so anyone who knows me, here at work too, can see miles away that everythings not fine with me.

 

Anyway, with that drawer opened by the walze, I started home from the class. On the highway, the wind trying to throw my car off the road, I drove too fast and listned to rock on the radio too loud. And I couldn’t go straight home. So I decidedly missed my turn and took a longer way home, some 30km longer, some 20min longer. And let the rock keep palying, my thoughts and feelings flowing, until the painful frown on my face melted a bit.

 

I really can’t listen to soft music if I want to stay alive. It takes me too deep in feelings. There’s a time and place for that too, for letting it all flow and go. But here and now, as I need to keep myself together, for my family, for my work, for my life, now’s not the time. So I lock my drawers with rock music full of the same pain I feel and wait for the right moments to deal with the bottomless sea of feelings. And survive.